The Spoffords: Road Trip Edition

For much of my youth, the van above was how we rolled.  It was always very clear when the Spofford's were rolling up to an event.  Not only did we have this monster, it was carrying around four boys.  When I texted my Dad to find out what the name of this van was, he responded "chevy astro, remember the movie lights in the van? That's what sold me on the van... plus the VCR for you guys."  THE VAN HAD A VCR!! (for all you youngsters, VCR's played movies).  I feel like my words don't do it justice, but it looked a little like this:

Pretty legit, right!?

The Spoffords and this van traveled around much of the United States; stretching as far west as Wyoming, as far south as Florida, and as far north as Maine.  It was a real part of our family and saw the good, the bad, and the silly from us.  We rarely flew as a family, due the the astronomical costs of flying six people, so if we were getting somewhere, chances were, we were traveling in the Big Red.

The Routine:
For a very long time, our road trips had a very similar feel.  We would pack the car the night before our trips, because we typically left very early in the morning, so we would travel through big cities with limited traffic.  So in the mornings, my parents would wake us up at the expected time.  We were usually awaken much earlier than we normally woke up, so typically the four of us boys would zombie around the house, getting showered up and a little food in our stomach, before we piled in the vehicle.  Once we were in the van (or car), it was immediately time to go back to sleep.  We made sure to carry our pillows on so that we could sleep comfortably.  When we travelled in the van, we had plenty of room and usually the sleeping arrangements were quite comfortable.  Later on, as we grew larger and our mode of transport got smaller, this was not the case.  Depending on when we departed the house, our nap time usually lasted between 1-2 hours, at which point the discomfort of sleeping in a vehicle caught up to us and we began to stir.  Once we were awake, we would typically listen to the radio and sing along and chat as a family, until someone had to go to the bathroom.  The bathroom pit stops were few and far between in the Spofford family, so we had to become quite adept at holding it.  After the pit stop, I would usually start to grow restless and start to poke and prod Isaiah, hoping to get a rise out of him.  Of course, being his brother, I knew exactly the things he didn't like and it was only a matter of time before he lashed out at me.  Within minutes, the brothers would be annoyed with each other and began to cause a ruckus.  My parents would let it go on for a couple of minutes to see if it would fizzle  out, but it typically began to escalate.  At this point my Mom would say "Boys, that enough!"  When Mom got after us, we knew we better behave, so we all got quiet again.  Then, satisfied with the silence, Mom (and this never failed to happen) would reach towards her bag and pull out a book on tape.  There was literally nothing that unified us more than resisting Mom's attempt to put on a book on tape. She would put the first tape in and the four of us in the back would immediately let out a collective groan. "MOMMMM, WHAT THE HECK!?"  "Can we pleasseeee not listen to this!?"  "This is SOOOOOO boring!!!"  Eventually we would get her to cave in and take the tape out.  When we had a TV in our car, as soon as Mom took the book on tape out of the player, it was time to watch a movie.  The favorites in the Spofford household included: Remember the Titans, Sister Act, The Mask of Zorro, Aladdin, Lion King, Rudy, and Wild America.  Usually, that would take us to lunch time.  Despite protests from my mom, we typically stopped at fast food restaurants for lunch (usually McDonald's).  As we pulled into the parking lot, Dad would make it very clear that we all had a two dollar limit.  That was not unreasonable at the time, because we could choose between chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger and also get a small fry.  We had other snacks in the car to supplement our lunches.  We would all place our strict 2 dollar orders, except for Josh.  Josh, who has always had expensive taste, would insist on principle that he go over the two dollar limit.  Whether it was swinging for the fences with a big mac meal or getting a burger, fry, and a soda, he always exceeded it.  "Dad, I'll give you the extra dollar if it means that much!" he would always argue.  Looking back, we have had a lot of good laughs over Josh's limit breaking.  Once we ordered, we would get in the car, and that cycle usually repeated until we arrived at our destination. 

The Soccer Tournaments:
Many of our travels when we lived down south (we lived in Mississippi for 5 years) revolved around soccer tournaments for Joe and Josh.  These took us all over the South, namely: Louisiana, Texas, Tennessee, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, and all throughout Mississippi.  Joe and Josh always got to sit in the big captain seats, which put Isaiah and I in the back seat, usually separated by mountains of luggage or snacks.  With a family of six active children, my parents could never pack enough.  Our traveling staples were cheddar goldfish and Nestea Lemon Iced tea (few things are better than sweet tea.)  Our "highest profile" soccer trip happened one evening when my Dad got pulled over for his first and only time ever.  We were traveling back from southern Mississippi after a long day of soccer, and Dad was just trying to get home and maybe going just slightly (yes, slightly) over the speed limit. As Dad started pulling the van over, we got confused, because we were so enraptured in our viewing of Aladdin (a Disney classic.)  He came to a stop and we finally understood what was going on.  He told us just to stay quiet and respectful and everything went as it usually does when someone gets pulled over for speeding.  This story wouldn't be particularly notable because for the most part it was pretty mundane, until I mention the part that STEPHEN GOSTKOWSKI WAS ALSO IN THE CAR!  

Yes, this Stephen Gostkowski!

At the time, he and my brother Joe were on the same soccer team, and we happened to be giving him a ride to and from the tournament (something that happened on a fairly regular basis).  Unfortunately, after we left Mississippi, we lost touch with him and his family, so I cannot make requests for sideline game tickets.
On a separate occasion, we traveled to Memphis for another of Joe's tournaments.  Josh was particularly excited, because Graceland (Elvis' home) is also in Memphis and my parents said that we would have the opportunity to go!  We arrived at the ticket vendor and were greeted with a really long line.  My Dad skipped ahead to check out how much it would be for us to take a tour.  Upon seeing the length of line and the prices, he decided that it would probably be better if we didn't actually pay for a tour of Graceland.  Josh was pretty angry.  We went into the gift shop to have a look around at the different fan memorabilia, and in place of taking a tour, we crowded around (as a family) one copy of a picture book of Graceland to see what we missed (yes, all six of us around one book).  Instead, we went to a Mud Island to see Mississippi River Park.  That was actually pretty cool!  We took a monorail across the Mississippi River, and once we were on Mud Island, there was a scale model of the Mississippi River that we go to check out.  At the ticket kiosk for that, they charged us for 4 kids and 2 adults.  However, because Joe was a little bit older, we should have been charged for 3 kids and 3 adults.  While we were over on the island, Joe guilted Dad so bad that he returned to the kiosk afterward to fix this mistake.      

Mississippi to Wyoming:
This trip was definitely our longest road trip that didn't involve us moving somewhere.  In one of the summers of the late 90's we embarked on a trip from Mississippi to Wyoming to visit family and some close friends.  Earlier, I mentioned that we rarely took pit stops (usually for Mom), so sometimes when we had to go number 1, it was easier and provided faster relief to go in an empty bottle or a cup.  This was not weird and made possible by living in a family of mostly boys.  Anyways, one of us really had to go and there were no good stopping spots in the middle of Texas, so they went in a left over empty McDonald's cup.  Typically we went in bottles that had caps that we screwed back on and threw them out when we stopped.  McDonald's cups, however cannot be screwed back on, so someone had to either hold it, or we had to put it in the cup holder.  At this point, Mom was driving, and refused to allow the cup to be in the cup holder, because if it spilled or she grabbed the wrong cup, it would really spell disaster and be totally disgusting.  Luckily for us, Dad took one for the team and held it between his legs.  This was all fine and dandy for a while.  As we know, Texas is a very warm state, and driving through it can make someone uncomfortably warm.  As Dad sat with the paper cup between his legs, the warm pee mixed with the warmth that Dad's legs were putting off and the cup began to melt.  All of the sudden, he felt an umcomfortable trickling down his pants and looked down to see that the cup was leaking!  He acted immediately and threw the cup out the window and get it as far away from himself as possible.  Not only was his window down, but because it was so hot, the windows in the back were opened as well.  As Dad threw the cup out the window, the lid came off and all of the boys in the back were hit with a sudden spray of pee.  Needless to say, it was really gross.  Obviously, we were not soaked, just sprayed, and got a real kick out of seeing Dad with a big pee spot on his pants.  At the next pit stop it was quite comical to watch Dad trying to dry his pants off with a hand dryer.
We continued on through Texas, when suddenly we came to a stop.  We were in the middle of a movie, but we looked up and a car in front of us was engulfed in flames!  We were in the middle of nowhere and we were not trying to get caught up in this fire.  Dad peered out back and said "hold on kids!"  As he said it, he sped up and zoomed by the burning car, bringing us to safety. 

Maine to North Carolina to Maine:
When I was in middle school, my family took a trip down to North Carolina to look at schools for Joe and Josh.  We went to Wake Forest, UNC Chapel Hill, and University of Virginia.  We also used the trip as a good opportunity to see family that lived in the Mid-Atlantic states.  We were in the tobacco belt of North Carolina when our van's air conditioner died.  What a miserable time and place for an air conditioner to stop working, it was so hot!  We rolled the windows down and tried to stay as cool as possible, but it was not easy.  The first major story on this trip happened at the University of Virginia and involves my Dad.  Now, for those of you that know my Dad, also know that he can be a jokester and is very outgoing.  His fashion sense for work is outstanding.  When he goes to work or church, he is always well dressed and looks very professional.  His casual outfits, however, leave something to be desired.  He is often spotted wearing a long track shorts and a cut-off work out top to show off the guns.  On this particular day, he was wearing just that!  As we walked on campus, Joe and Josh stayed ahead of the rest of the family to make sure that no one on campus knew that they were on campus with us.  As they walked, they passed through a really beautiful stone archway, when they realized that the UVA girls cross-country team was practicing.  They decided that they had better stop to let them pass (and also get a chance to check them out).  The girls ran by, and as they did, Joe and Josh noticed that the cross country team added one more member.  As they passed us, Dad joined behind them, running with them as they went.  When Joe and Josh saw Dad running behind them, they nearly died.  Dad, Isaiah, and I thought it was hilarious.
On the way back home, we intended to check out Gettysburg College in Pennsylvania, but once we got to Gettysburg, Joe and Josh were colleged out.  Instead, we did the historical sightseeing of Gettysburg.  My parents have always been all about the free attractions, most of which are historical sites, so we have been exposed to a lot of history in our lives!  Anyways, while we were walking through the Gettysburg cemetery, we were fooling around as usual.  It is hard to take four adolescent children anywhere and expect them to be little angels.  Josh, Isaiah, and I edged away from Joe and my parents in the middle of the cemetery and found a large tree.  Isaiah had the camera and Josh and I pretended that we were peeing on the tree in the middle of the cemetery!  Looking back, that was very disrespectful and I regret my actions, but at the time it was all about the potty humor.  Needless to say, my parents were pretty furious, and they gave us a nice talking to about how we need to be respectful, particularly in National landmarks.

This is just a brief snapshot into the animated Spofford road trips, with many more stories to come.

Until next time!